Post by Gorezilla on Sept 4, 2003 13:39:27 GMT -5
INTRODUCTION
GOD CHOSE ME to write this book.
Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of
God's existence, but also of His/Her/Its beneficence. That's right.
I am not certain of God's precise gender. But I am certain that
He/She/It chose me to write this book. This isn't hubris. I'm not saying this in an egotistical way.
God didn't choose me because I'm the greatest writer who ever lived.
That was William Shakespeare, whose work I have a passing
familiarity with. No. I just happened to be the right vessel at the
right time. If something in this book makes you laugh, it was God's
joke. If something makes you think, it's because God had a good
point to make.
The reason I know God chose me is because God spoke to me
personally. God began our conversation by clearing something up. Some of
George W. Bush's friends say that Bush believes God called him to be
president during these times of trial. But God told me that
He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won
the popular vote and, God thought, the electoral college. "THAT
WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE," God said.
"What about Tilden?" I asked, referring to the 1876 debacle.
"QUIET!" God snapped. God was angry.
God said that after 9/11, George W. Bush squandered a unique
moment of national unity. That instead of rallying the country
around a program of mutual purpose and sacrifice, Bush cynically
used the tragedy to solidify his political power and pursue an
agenda that panders to his base and serves the interests of his
corporate backers.
God told me that Bush squandered a $4.6 trillion surplus and
is plunging us into deficits as far as God can see. And that Bush
squandered another surplus. The surplus of goodwill from the rest of
the world that he had inherited from Bill Clinton. And this was pissing God off.
He/She/It was right. But it sounded like a lot of work.
"Look, God, I'm flattered, but I think you got the wrong guy.
The kind of book you're talking about would require months of research."
And God said, "LET THERE BE GOOGLE. AND LET THERE BE
LEXISNEXIS."
"Very funny, God. I use Google all the time."
"YES, I KNOW," God said. "FOR HOT ASIAN TEENS."
"You must be thinking of my son, Joe."
"AL? I'M OMNISCIENT."
"Okay, okay." I changed the subject. "It's just that I can't
do this book myself."
"LEAVE THAT TO ME," God boomed.
And that's when Harvard called.
Harvard's Kennedy School of Government asked me to serve as a
fellow at its Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, and Public
Policy. After my varied and celebrated career in television, movies,
publishing, and the lucrative world of corporate speaking, being a
fellow at Harvard seemed, frankly, like a step down.
I couldn't think of anything less appealing than molding the
minds of tomorrow's leaders, unless it was spending fireside
evenings sipping sherry with great minds at the Faculty Club. Yawn.
To my surprise and delight, though, all Harvard wanted me to
do was show up every once in a while and write something about
something. That gave me an idea.
"Would it be okay if I wrote a scathingly partisan attack on
the rightwing media and the Bush administration?"
"No problem," Harvard said absentmindedly.
"Count me in," I replied. "From now on call me `Professor
Franken.'"
"No," Harvard said, "you're not a professor. But you can run
a study group on the topic of your choosing."
"Great," I said. "I've got the perfect topic: Write My Son's
Harvard College Application Essay."
"No," they said. "Harvard students already know how to write
successful Harvard applications, Al. We want you to teach them
something new."
Harvard was right where I wanted it. "How about if the topic
is: How to Research My Book?"
"Sure," Harvard said. "Most of our professors teach that
course. Why, in the Biochemistry department, most of the graduate
level courses are-"
Harvard was boring me. "I gotta run, Harvard. Thanks."
I had my Nexis, I had my Google, I had my Harvard fellowship,
and I had my fourteen research assistants. I sat down to write.
Nothing.
So I got on my knees and prayed for guidance. "How, God, can
I best do Your work through this book? Who, dear Lord, is the
audience for a book like this? And what's a good title?"
God answered, "YOU KNOW THOSE SHITTY BOOKS BY ANN COULTER AND
BERNIE GOLDBERG?"
"The best-sellers that claim there's a liberal bias in the
media?" I asked.
"TOTAL BULLSHIT," God said. "START BY ATTACKING THEM. HE'S
CLEARLY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE, AND SHE JUST LIES. BY THE
WAY, THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER."
"That's pretty obvious."
"SO GO AFTER THEM, THE WHOLE LIBERAL BIAS MYTH, AND THEN GO
AFTER THE RIGHT-WING MEDIA. ESPECIALLY FOX."
"Okay, God, I'm writing this down."
"THEN USE THEM AS A JUMPING-OFF POINT TO GO AFTER BUSH. YOU
KNOW, BIG TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH, SURGING UNEMPLOYMENT, IGNORING
EVERYONE BUT HIS CORPORATE BUDDIES, SCREWING THE ENVIRONMENT,
PISSING OFF THE REST OF THE WORLD. THAT STUFF. AND THAT'S YOUR
BOOK."
"Got it. One last thing. Title."
"HOW ABOUT BEARERS OF FALSE WITNESS AND THE FALSE WITNESS
THAT THEY BEAR?"
"Hmm. I, uh, I'll work with that."
GOD CHOSE ME to write this book.
Just the fact that you are reading this is proof not just of
God's existence, but also of His/Her/Its beneficence. That's right.
I am not certain of God's precise gender. But I am certain that
He/She/It chose me to write this book. This isn't hubris. I'm not saying this in an egotistical way.
God didn't choose me because I'm the greatest writer who ever lived.
That was William Shakespeare, whose work I have a passing
familiarity with. No. I just happened to be the right vessel at the
right time. If something in this book makes you laugh, it was God's
joke. If something makes you think, it's because God had a good
point to make.
The reason I know God chose me is because God spoke to me
personally. God began our conversation by clearing something up. Some of
George W. Bush's friends say that Bush believes God called him to be
president during these times of trial. But God told me that
He/She/It had actually chosen Al Gore by making sure that Gore won
the popular vote and, God thought, the electoral college. "THAT
WORKED FOR EVERYONE ELSE," God said.
"What about Tilden?" I asked, referring to the 1876 debacle.
"QUIET!" God snapped. God was angry.
God said that after 9/11, George W. Bush squandered a unique
moment of national unity. That instead of rallying the country
around a program of mutual purpose and sacrifice, Bush cynically
used the tragedy to solidify his political power and pursue an
agenda that panders to his base and serves the interests of his
corporate backers.
God told me that Bush squandered a $4.6 trillion surplus and
is plunging us into deficits as far as God can see. And that Bush
squandered another surplus. The surplus of goodwill from the rest of
the world that he had inherited from Bill Clinton. And this was pissing God off.
He/She/It was right. But it sounded like a lot of work.
"Look, God, I'm flattered, but I think you got the wrong guy.
The kind of book you're talking about would require months of research."
And God said, "LET THERE BE GOOGLE. AND LET THERE BE
LEXISNEXIS."
"Very funny, God. I use Google all the time."
"YES, I KNOW," God said. "FOR HOT ASIAN TEENS."
"You must be thinking of my son, Joe."
"AL? I'M OMNISCIENT."
"Okay, okay." I changed the subject. "It's just that I can't
do this book myself."
"LEAVE THAT TO ME," God boomed.
And that's when Harvard called.
Harvard's Kennedy School of Government asked me to serve as a
fellow at its Shorenstein Center on the Press, Politics, and Public
Policy. After my varied and celebrated career in television, movies,
publishing, and the lucrative world of corporate speaking, being a
fellow at Harvard seemed, frankly, like a step down.
I couldn't think of anything less appealing than molding the
minds of tomorrow's leaders, unless it was spending fireside
evenings sipping sherry with great minds at the Faculty Club. Yawn.
To my surprise and delight, though, all Harvard wanted me to
do was show up every once in a while and write something about
something. That gave me an idea.
"Would it be okay if I wrote a scathingly partisan attack on
the rightwing media and the Bush administration?"
"No problem," Harvard said absentmindedly.
"Count me in," I replied. "From now on call me `Professor
Franken.'"
"No," Harvard said, "you're not a professor. But you can run
a study group on the topic of your choosing."
"Great," I said. "I've got the perfect topic: Write My Son's
Harvard College Application Essay."
"No," they said. "Harvard students already know how to write
successful Harvard applications, Al. We want you to teach them
something new."
Harvard was right where I wanted it. "How about if the topic
is: How to Research My Book?"
"Sure," Harvard said. "Most of our professors teach that
course. Why, in the Biochemistry department, most of the graduate
level courses are-"
Harvard was boring me. "I gotta run, Harvard. Thanks."
I had my Nexis, I had my Google, I had my Harvard fellowship,
and I had my fourteen research assistants. I sat down to write.
Nothing.
So I got on my knees and prayed for guidance. "How, God, can
I best do Your work through this book? Who, dear Lord, is the
audience for a book like this? And what's a good title?"
God answered, "YOU KNOW THOSE SHITTY BOOKS BY ANN COULTER AND
BERNIE GOLDBERG?"
"The best-sellers that claim there's a liberal bias in the
media?" I asked.
"TOTAL BULLSHIT," God said. "START BY ATTACKING THEM. HE'S
CLEARLY A DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE, AND SHE JUST LIES. BY THE
WAY, THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HER."
"That's pretty obvious."
"SO GO AFTER THEM, THE WHOLE LIBERAL BIAS MYTH, AND THEN GO
AFTER THE RIGHT-WING MEDIA. ESPECIALLY FOX."
"Okay, God, I'm writing this down."
"THEN USE THEM AS A JUMPING-OFF POINT TO GO AFTER BUSH. YOU
KNOW, BIG TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH, SURGING UNEMPLOYMENT, IGNORING
EVERYONE BUT HIS CORPORATE BUDDIES, SCREWING THE ENVIRONMENT,
PISSING OFF THE REST OF THE WORLD. THAT STUFF. AND THAT'S YOUR
BOOK."
"Got it. One last thing. Title."
"HOW ABOUT BEARERS OF FALSE WITNESS AND THE FALSE WITNESS
THAT THEY BEAR?"
"Hmm. I, uh, I'll work with that."
